In our journey through life, the ways we relate to others—whether in family, friendships, romantic relationships, or at work—are often deeply rooted in our attachment styles.
Understanding these attachment patterns can offer profound insights into our behaviour and emotional responses. Moreover, learning how to self-soothe according to your attachment style can empower you to navigate relationships with greater ease and self-awareness.
What Are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styles are patterns of relating to others that develop in early childhood based on our interactions with caregivers. These styles shape how we connect, trust, and depend on others throughout our lives. John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory identifies four primary attachment styles: Secure, Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganised.
How Attachment Styles Develop and Change
Attachment styles are formed in childhood through repeated interactions with our caregivers.
A child whose needs are consistently met with warmth and care is likely to develop a secure attachment style. Conversely, inconsistent caregiving may lead to an anxious attachment style, while more neglectful caregiving (like being let to cry without being comforted) may lead to an avoidant attachment style. Trauma, particularly in early life, can result in a disorganised attachment style, where the source of safety is also the source of pain and fear.
While these patterns are established early on, they are not fixed. Our attachment style can evolve over time through new experiences, healing relationships, and therapeutic work. Understanding your attachment style is the first step towards creating healthier, more fulfilling connections. Plus, it's important to bear in mind that they are just that—styles. You may find yourself feeling more secure with a friend, and more avoidant with a parent. This is just a framework to better understand ourselves, so don't worry if you recognise yourself in several ones.
How Attachment Styles Manifest
Secure Attachment
Characteristics: Comfortable with intimacy, trusts others, has a positive self-image.
In Relationships: Secure individuals can balance closeness with independence, communicate needs effectively, and trust their partners.
Anxious Attachment
Characteristics: Craves closeness but fears abandonment, often feels insecure.
In Relationships: Anxiously attached individuals may seek constant reassurance and may feel threatened by perceived signs of rejection. They often struggle with expressing their needs directly, fearing they are not worthy of love or attention.
Behaviours: Anxiously attached individuals may believe they don't have the right to ask for what they need directly, leading them to act out. For example, feeling jealous may result in controlling behaviours, such as demanding access to a partner’s phone or making accusatory comments. These actions might seem justified in the moment but often confuse or alienate partners.
The key is to connect with your needs and express them directly: "Could you reassure me?" or "I miss you; can we plan a date night?" Anxious individuals may also wait for their partner to read their mind and act according to unspoken expectations, wrongly interpreting any failure to do so as a sign that their partner doesn't care.
Avoidant Attachment
Characteristics: Values independence, may seem distant or emotionally unavailable.
In Relationships: Avoidant individuals often struggle with intimacy and may withdraw when they feel emotions becoming too intense.
Behaviours: In arguments, avoidant individuals can become overwhelmed by emotions they are not used to dealing with. This may lead to stonewalling—a behaviour where one shuts down and refuses to engage, one of the "Four Horsemen" of relationship breakdowns.
It’s crucial to communicate: "I’m feeling overwhelmed and need time to cool down, but I promise we will return to this discussion tomorrow." It's also helpful if the avoidant partner reassures the anxious partner with statements like, "I love you, I’m not going to leave you; I just need time to regulate before we can have a productive conversation."
Disorganised Attachment
Characteristics: Inconsistent behaviour, often confused or fearful in relationships.
In Relationships: Disorganised individuals struggle with both seeking and avoiding closeness, often feeling torn between a desire for connection and a fear of it.
Behaviours: The hallmark of disorganised attachment is a lack of a consistent strategy. While avoidant individuals tend to distance themselves and anxious individuals chase closeness, those with disorganised attachment often find themselves in a state of freeze, unsure of what to do.
Recognising this and communicating it is the first step to creating new and healthier patterns, as it can be very confusing to be on the receiving end of someone who's at times chasing us, and at other times pushing us away.
Self-Soothing Techniques for Each Attachment Style
Understanding your attachment style is just the beginning. To improve your relationships and emotional well-being, it's essential to learn how to self-soothe in a way that aligns with your attachment style.
For Anxious Attachment:
Practice mindfulness: Staying present, and bringing yourself back into your body with meditation, yoga, or a walk in nature can help reduce anxiety and stop the mind from spiralling.
Engage in grounding exercises: Techniques like deep breathing or focusing on your senses can help manage overwhelming emotions. It's important to resist the urge to act out, and potentially say things you may regret once you've had time to cool down. PAUSE, and once you're back to regulation, come back to the conversation.
Express needs directly: Instead of acting out or expecting mind-reading, practice stating your needs clearly and calmly. It's scary and seems counterintuitive, I know. But trust me, it is the way forward.
For Avoidant Attachment:
Gradually allow vulnerability: Start with safe, small steps toward expressing emotions. It may be that you're so used to repressing them you don't feel them anymore. A step toward this would be to get in touch with your body and the signal it sends you. Do you get stomach cramps when you're anxious? Tensed shoulders? These are signs of your emotions trying to tell you something.
Practice emotional regulation: Learn to recognise when you’re shutting down and communicate your need for space, with a commitment to return to the conversation. Some people find it useful to use an object to communicate this. For instance, 'I'm going to use the little octopus right now because I'm getting overwhelmed'.
Develop trust: Work on building trust in relationships, understanding that closeness doesn’t mean losing independence. Give yourself the chance and opportunity to experience the true connection that comes from vulnerability.
For Disorganised Attachment:
Seek consistency: Establish routines and seek relationships that provide a sense of safety and predictability.
Practice self-compassion: Gently challenge the inner critic and remind yourself that it’s okay to feel confused or fearful. Bring yourself to the present with grounding techniques, so you're acting from a place of being safe right now, not from the past.
Work on trauma: Therapy can be crucial in processing past trauma and learning to build secure attachment patterns. In your case, inner child work can be extremely helpful.
Understanding your attachment style is a powerful step toward self-awareness and healthier relationships. By learning to self-soothe in ways that align with your attachment style, you can create more stable, fulfilling connections in all areas of your life. Remember, attachment styles are not set in stone, and with effort and care, you can develop new patterns that support your emotional well-being.
If you’re curious to learn more or would like to explore your attachment style in depth, feel free to book a consultation today.
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